I tried so hard to think. It’s too late now. Its over. So many options but its too late! i should of listened to my gut.
I was sitting in my chair with my best friend Jason. I could see busses from the view. It was amazing, the air was so refreshing. Me and Jason were talking about how glamorous it is in kennington. “Look at the cars go pass, they seem so different to where i am from. Don’t you think?” Jason said. “Wait, what do you mean by different?” I asked. At this point I was getting a little bit confused since i know that he lives right next to me. Jason started to laugh. “Ha Ha Ha, I’m just joking pal! You know I’m not stupid. I’m just pranking you.” Jason spitted out. I was angry at Jason but he was just having a little fun. But then Jason started to say something to me. “Hey, remember when i pranked those three or four men from brighton? No? Alright then. I’ll tell you about it.” Jason started to talk about when he pranked these four people. These people were very big people he said. “Hey, when i pranked these people, they just started at me. I can’t remember what i said to them but i think i made them get angry at me. What could i possibly say to get them angry?” I started to laugh at Jason at how he could be so brave to prank four or three grown men that seem pretty old. “Wow.” I Replied. “I was really into that story Jason, however it got me the shivers at one point when you said that they started to get very angry. “Yeah i know. I got scared by just telling you the story, knowing that these men seemed old and knowing that they could of done something to me.” We stood up and started to look around. We saw an old lady looking at us. “Hello there! How are you?” I asked the old lady. The lady didn’t respond. So i just waved and headed inside.”Jason, who is that old lady? one of your mums friend or something?” I asked politely. Jason stayed quiet for a few seconds and then answered “No i don’t know them.” We both started to change the subject so we don’t get distracted my this old lady in the our direction. “So, how is life here in kennington? good?” Jason asked me. “Yeah it’s pretty good. i like the fact how it is always peace and quiet so no one is loud.” I replied. “cool. thats amazing because since i live in brixton it’s always loud for in my area.” Jason said. We both went inside to get some salt and vinigar crisps. “Wow this is actually a nice life you have got here dude. You have the fresh air, the food, the view. You’re a very lucky person dude.” Jason said to me. “Yeah i know. I guess i am lucky.” I replied. We carried on talking, but then out of the ordinary, we heard some noises. the noises sounded like a mouse running across the floorboards. But insted of a small mouse it seemed like a 4 foot long mouse. “What’s that noise?” Jason asked me. “I dont know. This has never ever happend to me before in my entire life.” I replied back. We heard the noises come louder and louder. And then all of a sudden, there was a stop. We looked around for around five secounds then stood up. we walked to the window and saw something. “Wow. It’s just a parade. How am i getting scared like this…?” I asked myslef. We both walked outside into the balcony, however as soon as we went outside, there was no-one outside, but only the old lady was there, but with a few friends this time. there was around three old ladys this time. They were all looking at us. But why? Why do they keep staring? They proberly have mental issuses and just need to stare at people. We started to talk about about why theese ladys stare at us, and agreed that the ladys proberly think we are releated to them and they are trying to catch our attention. So we went inside again. We sat down and started to watch television. We were watching an action movie. We sat down watching it for about 15 minutes. But we got interupted by noises. It sounded like a Clumping noise. We went back outside again to check. There was no explenation. But the three ladys were gone. “Thank goodness they are not here.” Said Jason in relief. “I guess they got bored of stareing and just went back inside to watch a little bit of television as well. “Wait a secound, i need to go to the bathroom.” Said Jason to me. I nodded my head and jason went. I carried on watching the action movie for around 1 hour and 5 minutes. Jason hasn’t came back yet. I was wondering where he went. So i walked towards the bathroom and i couldn’t find Jason. The bathroom door was unlocked so i went inside to check if Jason was there. Jason was not there either so i started to panic. I walked into my bedroom and saw a note. i was starting to get happy because Jason proberly had to leave early and sent me a note saying he had to leave. So i walked up to the note calmly and read it. I started to read more slowey since i didn’t want to read the rest. But i did read it eventually. this is what is said
‘If anyone is reading this, Jason is no longer here. He did something bad. Very bad. He pranked me and my mates! So i got my revenge. I took him to our flat somewhere in the county. Dont bother calling the police, because if you do then You wont ever see him again.’

February 26, 2015 at 5:11 pm
Make sure that you always justify your work to the left.
Centre is not usually used for work like this.
Use capital letters for places and the word “I”.
New lines are used for new speakers.
I think the moment where the old lady appears has the potential to be really scary so it is important that you don’t let it fall flat. Describe it in good detail.
You need to use new paragraphs in strategic places to break up the story into easy to imagine incidents.
You have changed the story significantly from the early draft I saw: I don’t know if I think this is an improvement. I preferred the original story with the spies. This one is still mysterious, and I do like the detail of the note at the end.
May 18, 2015 at 12:35 pm
You have not made the corrections that I suggested.